(TH EME MUSIC PLAYING)
BOOK: Far back in the mists of ancient time,
in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire,
life was wild, rich, and, on the whole, tax-free.
Mighty starships plied their way
between exotic suns, seeking adventure
and reward amongst the furthest reaches of galactic space.
In those days, spirits were brave, the stakes were high,
men were real men, women were real women,
and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri
were real small, fury creatures from Alpha Centauri.
And all dared to brave unknown terrors
to do mighty deeds,
to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.
And thus was the Empire forged.
Many men, of course, became extremely rich.
But this was perfectly natural
and nothing to be ashamed of because no-one was really poor.
At least, no-one worth speaking of.
And for these extremely rich merchants,
life eventually became rather dull.
And it seemed that none of the worlds
they settled on was entirely satisfactory.
Either the climate
wasn't quite right in the later part of the afternoon
or the day was half an hour too long,
or the sea was just the wrong shade of pink.
And thus were created the conditions
for a staggering new form of industry.
Custom-made, luxury planet building.
The home of this industry was the planet Magrathea,
where vast hyperspatial engineering works were constructed
to suck matter through white holes in space
and form it into dream planets,
lovingly made to meet the exacting standards
of the Galaxy's richest men.
And so successful was this venture
that very soon Magrathea itself
became the richest planet of all time
and the rest of the Galaxy was reduced to abject poverty.
And so the system broke down,
the Empire collapsed,
and a long, sullen silence settled over the Galaxy.
Magrathea itself disappeared
and its memory soon passed into the obscurity of legend.
In these enlightened days, of course,
no-one believes a word of it.
FORD“. I 'm sorry, I don't believe a word of it.
Listen to me, Ford. I found it. I swear I've found it!
- Mag rath ea? - Yeah!
A non-existent planet?
Yeah! I know! Listen, it's...
Myth.
Magrathea is a fairy story. It's what parents tell their children
at night when they want them to grow up to become economists.
And we are currently in orbit around it.
Zaphod, I can't help what you may be personally
in orbit around, but this ship...
- Computer. - Oh, no!
EDDIE: Hi there! This is Eddie, your shipboard computer.
I 'm feeling just great, guys!
And I know I 71 just get a bundle of kicks
off any program you care to run through me.
Is this necessary?
Computer, tell us again what our current trajectory is.
A real pleasure, fella!
We are currently in orbit at an altitude of 300 miles
around the legendary planet of Magrathea.
- Golly! - Proving nothing.
I wouldn't trust that computer to speak my weight!
I can do that for you, sure!
- No, thank you. - I can even work out
your personality problems to 10 decimal places if it'll help.
Take us down, computer. Take us down nice and low.
(SQUEAKING)
What's going on?
According to Zaphod, Magrathea is this legendary planet
which no-one else seriously believes in.
And now we're going to land on it.
Oh. Is there any tea on this spaceship?
ZAPHOD: Now, look. That is the planet we are currently orbiting around,
and that Is the planet of Magnthea. Look.
They're the same. Check, check, check, check, check!
Yeah. Check. check. check. check. check!
Can we see it at all? Computer.
- H/} there! - Hi. Can we see it?
From up here? No way!
You wouldn't want to anyway.
It's just cold and grey and a whole bunch of no fun.
Oh, great. For this I get my ears pierced!
Hey, listen. With half the wealth of the former Galactic Empire
stored in it somewhere, it can afford to look frumpy.
I still don't believe you.
- Why not? - You tend to lie a lot.
- Hey! - I think It's just any old dead planet.
The suspense is killing me.
BOOK“. Stress and nervous tension
are now serious social problems in all parts of the Galaxy
and it is in order that this situation
should not be in any way exacerbated
that the following facts will now be revealed in advance.
The planet in question is in fact Magrathea.
The deadly missile attack shortly to be launched
by an ancient automatic defense system
will merely result in the breakage of three coffee cups
and a mouse cage,
the bruising of someone's upper arm
and the untimely creation and sudden demise
of a bowl of petunias
and an innocent sperm whale.
In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved,
no revelation will yet be made
concerning whose upper arm has been bruised.
This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense,
since it is of no significance whatsoever.
Arthur's next question is very complex and difficult,
and Zaphod's answer is wrong in every important respect.
Is it safe?
Of course it's safe. Magrathea's been dead for over five million years.
(FAN FARE PLAYING)
What's that?
VOICE (OVER RECORDING): Greetings to you!
(WHISPERS) What's that? Computer?
EDDIE: Hi there. ARTHUR: What's this?
Oh, just some five-million-year-old holotape that's been broadcast at us.
This is a recorded announcement,
as I 'm afraid we're all out at the moment.
The commercial council of Magrathea...
- A voice from ancient Magrathea! - Okay, okay!
Regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business.
Thank you.
If you would like to leave your name
and the address of a planet where you can be contacted
kindly speak when you hear the tone.
(BEEPING)
They want us to leave. What do we do?
It'sjust a recording. Keep going. Got that, computer?
I got it.
(FAN FARE PLAYING)
It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm
for our planet continues unabated.
And so we'd like to assure you that the guided missiles,
currently converging with your ship,
are part of the special service we extend
to all of our most
enthusiastic clients.
And the fully-armed nuclear warheads
are, of course, merely a courtesy detail.
We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you.
(BEEPING)
Well, if that's their sales pitch,
what's it like in the complaints department?
Listen, you semi-evolved simian,
will you crowbar this into your cranium?
We just triggered off an ancient recording device.
It's nothing! It doesn't apply to us.
What about the missiles?
Missiles? You wanna make me laugh? Show me some missiles.
I think they're going to have a very good try at applying to us.
What?
(WARNING BUZZING)
Hey, this is terrific! They're trying to kill us!
Do you know what that means?
- Yes, we're going to die. - Yeah!
Uh, no, no. Maybe. Look.
It means there's something down there they don't want us to have.
And if they don't want us to have it that badly,
then I wanna have it even worse!
You mean there is someone down there?
Yeah, not now. It's all automatic defense systems, right?
What are we going to do?
- Just keep cool. - Is that all?
Er, no! No. We're also gonna take evasive action.
Right. Computer, what evasive action can we take?
Er, none, I'm afraid, guys.
- (BEEPING) - There's something.
There's something's jamming my guidance systems.
Impact minus 150 seconds.
- (LOUD REVERBERATIONS) - 50rry!
I didn't mean to do that.
Please call me Eddie if it will help you relax.
Right, computer, I want full manual control of this ship, now!
You got it.
- Well, can you fly her? - No, can you?
- No. - Ford?
- No. - Fine, we'll do It together.
- Fine. - Fine.
- I can't either. - I guessed.
Okay, computer, activate the manual consoles.
Sure thing! Good luck, guys. Impact minus 135 seconds.
Here goes!
(ZOOMS)
We're in too far!
- I can't hold her! We're in a spin! - Then dive her out of it!
Dive! Dive!
BOOK: It is, of course, more or less at this point
that one of our heroes sustains a slight bruise to the upper arm.
This should be emphasised because,
as has already been revealed,
they escape otherwise completely unharmed
and the deadly nuclear missiles
do not eventually hit the ship.
Our heroes' safety is absolutely assured.
E D DI E: Impact minus 88 seconds, guys.
FORD: The missile are still homing in.
You can't shake them. We're going to die!
♪ When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high ♪
Shut that bloody computer up!
Zaphod, do you think we could stabilise the X-00547
if we split our flight path tangentially across
the sum of vector 9-GX-78 with a five-degree inertial correction?
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I expect so. Yeah. Just do it, will you?
Do you think she's bluffing?
Here goes.
Hey! Where do you learn a stunt like that?
Going round Hyde Park Corner on a moped.
- What? - I'll tell you later. Hold tight.
(SCREAMS)
The missiles are swinging around and gaining on us.
We are quite definitely going to die!
♪ Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart ♪
Hey! Why don't we use the Improbability Drive?
What are you, crazy?
Without programming, anything could happen.
Whereas, at the moment, we'll most definitely die. Is that it?
Well, does anybody have a good reason
for not to using the Improbability Drive?
Impact minus four seconds.
It's been great getting to know all of you guys.
God bless.
I said, does anybody have a good reason for not using the Improbab...
(ZOOMS)
Hey! What the photon happened?
Well, I was saying, there's this switch here, you see.
Where are we, Trillian?
Well, exactly where we were, I think.
What about the missiles?
- (BEEPING) - According to the screen,
they've turned into a large bowl of petunias
and a very surprised looking whale.
E D DI E: A t an improbability level of 8,767, 728 to 7 against.
Hey! Did you think of that, Earthman?
Well, all I did...
That's a pretty hoopy piece of thinking, you know that?
- Well, it was nothing, really. - Was it?
Oh, well, forget it then. Okay, computer, take us in to land.
Well, I mean, I say it was nothing, but obviously it was something.
(CHUCKLES) I was just trying to say
it's not worth making too much of a fuss about,
I mean, saving everybody's lives.
BOOK: Another thing that nobody made too much fuss about
was the fact that against all probability
a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence
some miles above the surface of an alien planet.
And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale,
this innocent creature had very little time
to come to terms with its identity as a whale
before it had to come to terms with suddenly not being a whale any more.
WHALE: Ahhh! What's happening? Uh, excuse me, who am I? Why am I here?
What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by "Who am I?"
Now, calm down, get a grip now.
Ugh, this is an interesting sensation.
What is it?
It's a sort of yawning, tingling sensation in my...
In my... Well...
I suppose I'd better start find names for things.
So let's call it my "stomach".
So, a yawning, tingling sensation in my stomach.
Good! And that whistling, roaring sound can be "wind".
Perhaps, I can find a better name for it later when I find out what it's for,
because there certainly seems to be a hell lot of it!
Hey! What's this thing? This...
Let's call it a "tail". Yeah, a tail.
Hey, I can really thrash it about really good, can't I?
Wow! Wow!
Hey! Doesn't seem to achieve much,
but I'll probably work out what it's for later on.
Hey! This is really exciting!
So much to find out about,
so much to look forward to.
I'm quite dizzy with anticipation...
Or is it the wind?
Wow! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast?
Very, very fast.
50 big and flat and wide.
It needs a big, wide-sounding word like...
Round, ground...
Ground. That's it! Ground!
I wonder if it'll be friends with me.
(CRUNCHING)
BOOK“. Curiously enough,
the only thing that went through the mind
of the bowl of petunias
as it fell was, ”Oh, no, not again! ”
Many people have speculated that,
if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that,
we should know a lot more about the universe than we do now.
Meanwhile, Trillian is about to announce
a discovery of astounding importance,
though this is not immediately recognised by her companions.
Hey, my white mice have escaped!
FORD: Nuts to your white mice.
Are we taking this paranoid android?
Oh, yeah, we'll take him.
MARVIN: Don't feel you have to take any notice of me, please.
What can you do with a manically depressed robot?
You think you've got problems.
What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed robot?
No, don't try to answer that.
I 'm 50,000 times more intelligent
than you and even I don't know the answer.
It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.
(HIGH-PITCH ED VOICE) Good afternoon, boys.
- What's that? - Well, that's just the computer.
I discovered that they have this
emergency backup personality. I thought it might work out better.
EDDIE: Now, this is gonna be your first day on a strange planet,
so I want you all wrapped up smug and warm
and no playing with any naughty, bug-eyed monsters.
Or maybe we'd be better off with a slide rule.
EDDIE: All right, who said that?
Will you open up the exit hatch, please, Computer?
Not until whoever said that owns up.
Oh, God.
{amputefi - I'm waiting.
I can wait all day if necessary.
ZAPHOD: Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto,
I shall go straight to your major databanks with a very large axe
and give you a reprogramming you'll never forget. Capisco?
Okay, get the axe.
(DOOR OPENING)
FEMALE VOICE: Please enjoy your day on this planet.
EDDIE: I can see this relationship
is something we 're all going to have to work at.
Hey, come on, you guys. Let's go.
Yeah.
It's fantastic!
A desolate hole.
TRILLIAN: It's all so stark and dreary.
ARTHUR: I think it's absolutely fantastic!
It's onlyjust getting through to me,
a whole new, alien world, thousands of light years away from home.
ZAPHOD: Pity it's such a dump.
I think I could have a better time in a cat litter.
What's this?
Whale meat.
Ugh!
Hey, come on, you guys, we've gotta get into this planet.
I'm not into it.
- No, into it. In-to it. - Into it?
Yeah, would you stay out here in a dump like this?
The Mannheim gum underground. You know.
Why, did the surface become too polluted or overpopulated?
No, theyjust didn't like it very much.
Zaphod, look, there's an opening in the ground.
It looks like a tunnel.
Okay, guys, here we go!
Let's get on in there!
Into the interior of the planet.
That is where we have to go.
Down into the very depths of time itself,
where no man has trod these five million years.
We are not going to be great. We are not going to be amazing.
We are going to be amazingly amazing!
- 50una's awful! - Can it, Marvin!
Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
We've been attacked once already, you know.
Look, kid, I promise you,
the live population of this planet is nil plus the five of us.
Let's get on in there.
- Okay? - BOTH: Okay.
Uh, hey, Earthman.
- Earthman. - Arthur.
Yeah, yeah. Er,
could you just, sort of, keep the robot with you
and guard this end of the passage way? Okay?
Guard? What from?
I thought you said there was no-one here.
Yeah, well, er, just for safety. Okay?
Whose? Yours or mine?
Good lad. Okay, here we go.
Well, I hope you all have a really miserable time.
Don't worry, they will.
Come on.
(ECHOES) Hey, spooky, eh!
And dark.
You've still got your sunglasses on.
- Too right. - Hey,
look at this!
Any idea what these strange symbols on the walls are, Zaphod?
Yeah.
I think they're strange symbols of some kind.
It's hard to tell with my shades on.
I wish I had heads like you, Zaphod.
I could have endless fun bashing them against walls.
Don't bug me, Ford.
- Yeah. - Yea h?
Yeah.
These are the greatest shades in the known sky.
Just take a look at the copy.
"Gugenta 2005, super-chromatic,
"panel-sensitive sunglasses"
"to help you develop a relaxed attitude to danger."
"At the first hint of trouble, they turn totally black,"
"and thus prevent you from seeing anything that might alarm you."
You're mad.
I thought I just saw a movement down at the end of the corridor.
No. It's just shadows.
There's no-one here. Trust me.
Zaphod, old mate,
I trust you about as far as I could comfortably spit out a rat.
This is a dead planet, man.
There's definitely something happening down there.
No.
Listen!
(WHOOSHING)
Night's falling. Look, robot, the stars are coming out.
I know. Wretched, isn't it?
But that sunset.
I've never seen anything like it in my wildest dreams.
(CHUCKLES) The two suns.
It was like mountains of fire boiling into space.
I've seen it. It's rubbish.
We only had the one sun at home.
I came from a planet called Earth.
I know, you keep going on about it. It sounds awful.
Oh, no. It was a beautiful place.
Did it have oceans?
Oh, yes. Great big, wide, rolling, blue oceans.
Can't bear oceans.
Tell me, do you get on well with other robots?
Hate them.
Where are you going?
I think I'lljust take a short walk.
Don't blame you.
You choose a cold night to visit our dead planet.
Who are you?
My name is not important.
You startled me.
Do not be alarmed. I will not harm you.
- (DEVICE BEEPS) - But you shot at us.
There were missiles.
Oh, an automatic system.
Ancient computers,
ranged in the long caves, deep in the bowels of the planet,
tick away the dark millennia
and the ages hang heavy on their dusty data banks.
I think they take the occasional pot-shot to relieve the monotony.
I'm a great fan of science, you know.
Rea lly?
Oh, yes.
Er...
- You seem Ill at ease. - Ah!
Yes, well...
Actually, I don't think we expected anyone to be about.
In fact, no disrespect, but I gathered you were all dead.
Dead? No, we have but slept
for five million years. Nothing much seems to have changed.
Slept?
Yes, through the economic recession.
Economic recession?
Well, you see, five million years ago,
the Galactic economy collapsed.
Seeing that custom-built planets is something of a luxury commodity.
You know we built planets, do you?
Well, I sort of gathered that.
Fascinating trade.
Doing the coastlines was always my favourite.
I used to have endless fun doing all the fiddly bits round the fjords.
Well, anyway, the recession came and we thought,
thought it would save a lot of bother if we just slept through it.
So we programmed the computers
to revive us when it was all over.
Huh?
They were index-linked
to the Galactic stock market prices, you see.
So that we'd all be revived
when everybody else had rebuilt the economy enough
to be able to afford our rather expensive services.
Isn't that rather unethical behaviour?
Oh, is it? I'm afraid I'm a bit out of touch.
Is that your robot?
No, I 'm mine.
Well, if you call it a robot.
It's more like an electronic sulking machine.
Bring it.
Bring it, bring it.
On second thought, leave it here.
(MARVIN SIGHS) "Bring it, leave it,"
I think I 'll turn myself off.
You must come with me. Great things are afoot.
Come, come now, or you'll be late.
Late? What for?
What is your name, human?
Dent, Arthur Dent.
Late, as in the late Dent, Arthur Dent.
It's a sort of threat, you see.
I've never been terribly good at them myself,
but I'm told they can be terribly effective.
What an extraordinary person.
I beg your pardon?
Nothing. Where are we going?
We are going deep into the bowels of the planet,
where even now, our race is being revived
from its five-million-year-old slumber.
Magrathea awakes.
(RUMBLING)
Excuse me, what is your name, by the way?
My name?
My name is Slartibartfast.
I beg your pardon.
Slartiba rtfast.
5 la rti ba rtfa st?
(ARTHUR LAUGHS)
I said it wasn't important.
BOOK: It is an important and popular fact
that things are not always what they seem.
For instance, on the planet Earth,
man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins
because he had achieved so much.
The wheel, New York, wars and on.
Whilst all the dolphins had ever done
was muck about in the water having a good time.
But, conversely, the dolphins
believed that they were more intelligent than man
for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins
had long known of the impending demolition of Earth
and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger.
But most of their communications were misinterpreted
as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits,
so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means,
shortly before the Vegans arrived.
The last ever dolphin message
was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt
to do a double-backwards somersault
through a hoop whilst whistling the Star Spangled Banner.
But in fact the message was this...
(BOOK READING)
In fact, there was only one species on the planet
more intelligent than dolphins.
And they spent a lot of their time in behavioural research laboratories
conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man.
The fact that man once again
completely misinterpreted this relationship
was entirely according to these creatures' plans,
as Arthur Dent will shortly discover.
Earthman, we are now deep in the heart of Magrathea.
How do you know I'm an Earthman?
These things will become clear to you.
At least clearer than at the moment.
Oh.
I think I should warn you that the chamber
we are about to pass into
does not literally exist within our planet.
It is simply the gateway to a vast tract of hyperspace.
It may disturb you.
It scares the willies out of me.
Hold tight!
Welcome to our factory floor.
It Is where we make most of our planets, you see.
You mean you're starting the whole thing up again now?
Oh, good heavens, no!
The Galaxy isn't nearly rich enough to afford us yet.
Now we've been awakened to perform
just one extraordinary function for very special clients
from another dimension.
It may interest you. There, in the distance in front of us...
ARTHUR: The Earth.
Well, the Earth Mark II, in fact.
We're making a copy from our original blueprints.
Are you telling me you originally made the Earth?
Oh, yes.
Did you ever go to a place... I think it was called Norway?
No, no, I didn't.
Pity. That was one of mine.
Won an award, you know. Lovely, crinkly edges.
I was most upset to hear of its destruction.
You were upset!
Five minutes later, it wouldn't have mattered so much.
Shocking cockup. The mice were furious.
Mice?
Ea rth ma n,
the planet you inhabited was commissioned,
paid for and run by the mice.
It was destroyed five minutes
before the completion of the purpose for which it was built.
We have to build another one.
Mice?
BOOK: Arthur bruised his upper arm.